We all start as strangers. The choices we make in terms of love are usually ones that seem inevitable anyway. We find people irrationally compelling. We find souls made of the same stuff ours are. We find classmates and partners and neighbors and family friends and cousins and sisters and our lives intersect in a way that makes them feel like they couldn’t have ever been separate. And this is lovely. But the ease and access isn’t what we crave. It isn’t what I’m writing about right now. It isn’t what we revolve around after it’s gone. We are all just waiting for another universe to collide with ours, to change what we can’t ourselves. To fill us, to make us whole. It’s interesting how afterwards, we realize that the storm returns to calm, but the stars are always changed and we don’t choose whose collisions change us. We all start as strangers, but we often forget that we choose who ends up a stranger too.
Looking back to 2013 i'd never thought i'd pick this word to describe my state right now. Even facing the future rejections ahead of me - for the first time in a really really long time - i feel LOVED. And the feeling makes me both sad and happy at the same time. I know that people who've become important are gonna leave soon, things will change, cause nothing ever stays the same for a long time. But i'm happy. Not to show off or anything. Not to jinx it. *Knocks on wood*
I know that i have been blessed with some amazing companions, that's for sure. Every day i get to see the people who mean the world to me, who cuddle me up with affection, who are there for me when things get rough. Every day i get to realize how i grew up for the past few months and how many things changed. I was so scared of loosing the definition of me that was there for so long…to have to start all over again, redefine everything, give meaning to new things. In the process, i didn't realize that i finally feel good in my own skin. Granted, still confused and most of the time as lost as ever, I'm more trusting, open, loving. I'm more ME than i have ever been. Maybe i finally realized that in order to love somebody else you have to love yourself first.